Me

 

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Feeling like I have an alter ego

I try and find me and wonder where did me go

Trying to decide who is the real me

Alter ego or not will I ever see

 

The layers are many and thick

I don’t know which me is me to pick

This makes me feel lost and confused

Isolated and bemused

 

Am I the me that’s trapped as a child?

The young boy onto whom misery was piled

Am I the me that is the young boy abused?

The young boy who was continually used

 

Am I the me that married at 24?

The young man in an abusive marriage until I walked out the door

Am I the me that’s trapped by my father’s murder?

The young man by now unable to show love and or care

 

Am I the me that’s confused by the divorce?

A man feeling like life had lost its course

Am I the me that’s devastated by the loss of the twins?

A man who thought he’d lost everything

 

Am I the me that’s the survivor of The Clutha Disaster?

A man who could not deal with what came after

Am I the me that worries about my throat tumour?

A man who disguised all his fear with humour

 

Am I the me that fears why I blacked out ?

A man plagued by fear and doubt

Am I the me that is terrified of being a father?

A man so terrified he read all the info he could gather

 

Am I the me that was hospitalised?

A man who’s fears were finally realised

Am I the me who is terrified daily by his breakdown?

A man crippled by the fear of an institutional gown

 

Am I the me that worries about this grievance?

A man who believes he has no chance

Am I the me that is terrified of the discipline?

A man who fears his chances are thin

 

Am I the me worried by what the future holds?

A man who has no destiny or goals

Am I the me that feels lonely in the crowd?

A man who hears the inner critic voice so loud

 

Am I the me that knows he is losing his memory?

A man who worries what people think of me

Am I the me that pretends that I am fine with a smile?

A man so helpful he would go the extra mile

 

Am I the me who is triggered by his mother?

A man who doesn’t care about his sister or brother

Am I the me who is trapped by routine?

A man who replays what has already been

 

Am I the me that is happy to end my life?

A man who wants to leave behind his son and wife

Am I the me that worries about cash?

A man that acts so irresponsible and rash

 

Am I the me who feels love when his son says I wuv oo?

A man who simply doesn’t know what to do

Am I the me that has a wall around his heart?

A man with feelings that don’t know where to start

 

Am I the me who Is continually in denial?

A man who continually feels on trial

Am I the me that people think they see?

A man that has no idea who to be

 

Am I the me who lives with fear every day?

A man crippled by the fear more than he could say

Am I the me that wakes with hypervigilance?

A man so worried about living that he doesn’t give himself a chance

 

Am I the me who is worried sitting in company?

A man scared of being judged for what I may say

Am I the me who thinks no-one is a friend?

A man who thinks he will be alone until the end

 

Am I the me that is always insecure?

A man who’s relationships are all so poor

Am I the me always filled with anxiety?

A man who sees disaster where others cannot see

 

Am I the me who swims in the depths of depression?

A man who can never learn his life’s lessons

Am I the me that is so scared of having fun?

A man who wants to run away and run

 

Am I the me that wishes I had never been born?

A man who feels all of life’s thorns

Am I the me that is filled with despair?

A man who wishes he had never been here and there

 

Am I the me that wishes he had a terminal disease?

A man who could the end his life and be free

Am I the man who is scared of what he is doing?

A man who is happy to lead his life to ruin

 

Am I the me with such low self esteem?

A man who is terrified of his dreams

Am I the me who sees the world as a difficult place?

A man who struggles to be part of the human race

 

Am I the me that hears voices in his head?

A man who believes everything that they’ve said

Am I the me that feels empty inside?

A man with nowhere to hide

 

Am I the me that cannot escape myself?

A man who has problems with his mental health

Am I the me that is scared of what’s to come?

A man who knows nothing more than to be numb

 

Am I the me so hurt by betrayal?

A man left lonely every time without fail.

Am I the me that never feels normal?

A man so consumed in his career so formal

 

Am I the me terrified of being found out?

A man so full of self doubt

Am I the me so scared he shouts?

A man too scared to ever go out

 

Am I the me that will figure things out?

A man who can be free from this doubt

Am I the me that will overcome?

A man who can realise how much he has done

 

Am I the me who can see his life is unique?

A man who is strong and not weak

Am I the me who can see he is a survivor?

A man who will realise just what living is for.

 

About The Author

My name is Michael Byrne, I’m 49 and reside in Glasgow (Scotland) with my beautiful wife and son.

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) as a result of surviving many traumatic events in my life including childhood abuse, the violent murder of my father, a helicopter crashing into a bar that I was in (it’s known as The Clutha Disaster in Glasgow) and numerous life threatening events.

I am a survivor not a victim.

In November 2018, in conjunction with a local Mental Health Charity called Stigma Free Lanarkshire, we released a free to download chapbook of my poetry called Poems From A Mod: My Journey Through Trauma, Survival And Recovery. The purpose of the chapbook is to provide hope and inspiration to other survivors.

The free to download chapbook can be downloaded from my Twitter bio or my blog.

You can follow me on Twitter via @poemsfromamod, on Instagram via Poems From A Mod and cia my blog at www.poemsfromamod.wordpress.com